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Conan O'Brien
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That's right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over eight percent of the workforce. I'm talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg.
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Another example that life is not fair: if it does rain, the powerful rich people on stage get the tent. Deal with it.
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To communicate with you students today, I have gone to great lengths to become well-versed in your unique linguistic patterns.
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Guys, this is important: You cannot iron a shirt while wearing it.
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No specific job or career goal defines me, and it should not define you.
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Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.
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Today, you have achieved something special, something only ninety two percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma.
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Only at Harvard would someone have to invent a massive social network just to talk with someone in the next room.
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My first job as your commencement speaker is to illustrate that life is not fair.
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Though some of you may see me as a celebrity, you should know that I once sat where you sit. Literally. Late last night I snuck out here and sat in every seat.
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